I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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