you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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