hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
