if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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