On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
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You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize