if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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