Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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