The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
