Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
