So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
