i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
