i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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