Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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