she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
