Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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