Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
a search helicopter?!
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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