Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
