the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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