Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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