that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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