As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
