I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
