Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
