I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
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Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
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This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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