I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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