If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize