Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
