This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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