If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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