I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
