I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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