Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
