How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
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