I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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