You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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