The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
