i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
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Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
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I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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