so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
