Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
