TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
