i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
