I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
