I'm lost and stupid without you.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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