Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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