her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
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I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
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As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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