I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I FOUND THE LEGS
last night I used snow as a chaser
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
