In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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