He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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