If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
