Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
