No stitches, just platelets and will power
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
