Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
