If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
