dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
